Because sometimes you just have to know when to ask for help.
My pregnancy with Tessa was an absolute dream. I felt amazing and loved every second of being pregnant and watching my body change as I grew this tiny miracle… Annndddd then she was born, and I was hit with what I now know was crippling postpartum anxiety further fueled by postpartum thyroiditis.
I didn’t know postpartum anxiety was a thing and I wasn’t experiencing the classic postpartum depression symptoms. I bonded immediately with Tessa and I certainly didn’t want to hurt her or myself, but I also wasn’t enjoying being a new Mom. I lived in constant fear of any and every worst-case scenario and suffered with these crazy intrusive thoughts for nine long months before finally giving in to trying a low dose of Sertraline (Zoloft).
I had been stable-ish on the medication since March 2017 and decided to wean after finding out we were expecting Baby #2. At first my mood and energy were great… once again better than normal and I kind of expected that to continue throughout my pregnancy. Wellllllll all of that happy came to a screeching halt around the 6-8-week mark when my anxiety started to look and feel more like little fits of rage. I remember the first day I felt this shift in my mood, I had been increasingly annoyed by little things Tessa would do. We were out to dinner and she was having trouble sitting still which is nothing new for her, but as a result her crayons kept falling on the floor. I swear something about the sound of those crayons hitting the floor made me want to flip the damn table. Years of therapy have afforded me the ability to analyze my mood and thoughts and I knew this was out of the ordinary for me.
I struggled with this rage for the next 6 weeks or so assuming it was pregnancy related and convinced it was this boy pregnancy wrecking havoc on my hormones until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I HATED who I had become and was wrecked with guilt that would leave me sobbing then exhausted for days after a particularly bad episode. I started to worry that Baby #2 was making me a monster and I knew I needed to get help before things spiraled any further out of control.
I’m so thankful to live in a city that has amazing hospital systems and programs like the Alexis Joy D’Achille Center for Perinatal Mental Health. I have only had two therapy sessions so far and this morning will have my third session then meet with a Prenatal Psychiatrist to discuss medication options. To be 100% honest I am still really unsure what I want to do about the medication. I know the studies say some are safe, but I had really hoped to get through these 40 weeks without. I had also hoped to get through these 40 weeks without intense feelings of anxiety, rage, guilt, sadness, depression and exhaustion. Yikes – that sounds awful huh?!
If you have managed to read this far you are probably wondering why I am sharing this. The truth is – this is not easy for me. As I have mentioned before I am a recovering perfectionist and I would much rather post only the happy pictures and have everyone believe I am living the dream with a perfect pregnancy, but I made a promise to myself that I would be REAL when I decided to launch Healthy Wife, Healthy Life.
If you are pregnant or have recently (or not so recently) given birth and you are wondering if you might be suffering from postpartum anxiety, PLEASE mention it to your doctor. Here is the link for the Alexis Joy D’Achille Center for Perinatal Mental Health:
If you are experiencing symptoms such as weight gain or loss, anxiety, loss of focus, fatigue and constipation you may also want to request that your thyroid blood levels be checked. Postpartum thyroiditis affects a small number of women but can easily be mistaken for normal postpartum symptoms which is what I dismissed my symptoms as when my OB gave me a script for bloodwork. You can read more about postpartum thyroiditis here:
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/postpartum-thyroiditis